BLINDED BY THE SLIGHT; All the news that's not fit to print

BREAKING NEWS; RELIABLE SOURCES ARE TELLING THIS JOURNALIST THAT MICHAEL JACKSON...AS YOU MIGHT RECALL, THE FORMER CHILD POP STAR TURNED FORMER ADULT POP STAR TURNED MUG SHOT # 621785...IS AT THIS MOMENT SOMEWHERE ON HIS NEVERNEVERLAND ESTATE, AND HE'S DOING SOMETHING...THOUGH WHAT IT IS, WE CAN'T BE SURE. WE ARE AWAITING A NEWS CONFERENCE FROM THE SANTA BARBARA COUNTY PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE, WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT CONCERN JACKSON, AND STAY TUNED TO THIS PAGE FOR POSSIBLE INTERVIEWS WITH HIS SISTER LATOYA, BROTHER JERMAINE, AND SEVERAL DOZEN RUDE LAWYERS WHO WILL SPEND THE NEXT YEAR GUESSING AT HOW THE TRIAL WILL TURN OUT.

NOW, I TURN IT BACK TO MY REGULAR COLUMN.

About seven days ago, I went to writing, intending to get the first couple of paragraphs whacked out on this journalistic adventure. I can sense your skepticism. This isn't much like what real journalists do, is it? Truth is, I only call it "journalism" because 1) it has a loosely factual relationship with the current news - which is more than the Fox Network can say - and 2) I don't know what else to call it. (I think of it as an "adventure" because from week to week I usually have no idea where the next column will take me. It's like a safari, see, only what I'm hunting is subject matter rather than rhinos.)

So as I was saying, seven days ago, I went subject matter hunting, but I came up driver than Lou Dobbs. There was just nothing new in the news. Certainly, American boys - and Spanish and Turkish and Italian and Korean and Japanese and Iraqi boys - were getting killed in Bush's war, but that's nothing new. Real journalists aren't concerned that the news is original and unique. They're like weathermen - they get paid the same whether anything changes or not. But if I repeated the same stuff every week - like how all those boys are getting cut down in Iraq, day after day, because of somebody's screwy policy decisions - it wouldn't be much of an adventure, would it? Only, I couldn't come up with of a single fresh, adventurous idea. I briefly considered doing a column on Michael Jackson, but...nah! That's not so much an adventure as a turkey shoot.

UPDATE FROM NEVERNEVERLAND; AT LAST REPORT, MICHAEL JACKSON IS CONTINUING TO NOT DO ANYTHING WE KNOW OF FOR SURE. HIS FAMOUS LAWYER IS EXPECTED TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT ANYTIME BETWEEN NOW AND WHEN THE VERDICT COMES DOWN, BUT AS TO WHAT THE PLANS TO SAY, IT'S THIS JOURNALIST'S BEST GUESS THAT WE'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.

BACK TO MY COLUMN, IN PROGRESS.

Then, six days ago, I came up with what seemed at the time a very adventurous idea. I thought it might be interesting to explore the question as to why, on the very same day British citizens by the hundreds of thousands were showing the world how disgusted they are with the lies (and the liars who tell them) that are getting so many killed in Iraq, real American journalists like on CNN and MSNBC were dogging Michael Jackson around all afternoon and showing endless video of the butt-end of an airplane sticking out of a big tin building.

After all (I would have pointed out had I continued down that path), the Santa Barbara Sheriff's Department admitted they had the goods on Jackson months ago. So why (I would have asked) did they wait until that day to unleash what we journalists call a "media circus." Could it possibly be more than coincidence (I would have wondered)?

Really (I was going to say), everybody knows that when a figure as prominent as Michael Jackson (I called it the "Enquirer quotient") gets arrested, it's huge (if not important) news. Everybody also knew there were massive anti-Bush demonstrations planned for that day. And everybody knows how scornful Bush is of dissenting voices. And everybody knows how the Bush PR crew likes to repaint even the bleakest of pictures into a vision of success.

But, by five days ago, I developed journalistic qualms. To report that everybody knows is one thing. But to extrapolate from that, to suggest that Team Bush would actually manipulate events - arrange a diversion, as it were - thereby minimalizing any information that might cause Americans to question why our best friends are stomping our leader's effigy to smithereens - to question why America's stature before the world community has been reduced to that of a lying, bullying, incompetent troll under the bridge - that would have been irresponsible journalism. (Had I done it.)

I didn't. Without what we journalists call a "smoking gun," there was no way I could imply this administration is so corrupt, manipulative and omnipotent that they could influence Southern Cal law enforcement personnel to time Jackson's bust with Bush's trip to England. See what I mean (or would have meant had I said it)?

So four days ago, I trashed the whole idea. And as of three days ago, I still didn't have a column. I was desperate. I felt like just giving in and going along with...

I INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN TO BRING YOU A LIVE FEED FROM NEVERNEVERLAND; STILL NO WORD OF JACKSON, SO TO KEEP YOUR MIND OCCUPIED, I ASK YOU TO PICTURE... OVER AND OVER AGAIN IF NEED BE...THAT STOCK FOOTAGE OF MICHAEL GETTING OUT OF A CAR OR HANGING HIS BABY OFF A BALCONY. AND JUST A REMINDER TO MY READING AUDIENCE...DON'T EXPECT A RESOLUTION TO THIS DEVELOPING STORY ANYTIME SOON. IT WILL BE A LONG, DRAWN-OUT ORDEAL, LASTING AT LEAST UNTIL NEXT YEAR'S PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. BUT REST ASSURED, HERE AT COPE'S COLUMN, I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT OF DETAILS THE MOMENT THEY OCCUR.

NOW, BACK TO PRESIDENT BUSH HOLDING A TURKEY UP FOR EVERYONE TO SEE.

Article copyright Bar Bar Inc.